kooltalk -- transform normal text into ``elite'' kooltalk
kooltalk [options] [file]
kooltalk will help you to become part of the ``elite''. Ever read phrases like ``Th1z iS @bs0lu+lY k00l, d00d!'' or ``L1k3 Ar1zt0tl3 0r W1ttg3nzt31n, h3 [H31d3gg3r] l1k3z t0 talk ab0ut h1z w0rdz, and z3ld0m mak3z an 1nn0vat10n w1th0ut 3xpla1n1ng 1t[...]'' in a README file or an elite IRC conversation and wondered how this ``3l33t3 hackerz'' were able to produce a text like that? Ever wished to have that amazing ability? Well, this is what kooltalk is for (or should it be ``th1z 1z what kooltalk 1z phor''?).
You can pass the name of a file you want to ``koolisize'' on the command line. If you don't (or if you give ``-'' as a filename) kooltalk will read from stdin and writes to stdout, automagically producing a translation from ``lame'' to ``k00l'' (these UNIX-hackerz call this a ``filter'').
There are some options available for even more k00lness:
Use light koolness (heavy koolness is default). In case you're wondering what the difference between heavy and light koolness is -- it will all be revealed in EXAMPLES. Don't be that impatient, just keep on reading.
Use B1FF-style koolness. The B1FF filter is the mother of all kool filters. However, it's a bit dusted in some places (e.g. it translates ``DOS'' as ``THE VIC-20 TAPE DRIVE SCR1PTER'', which is kool in a way, but rather outdated in another).
The Jargon File has the following to say about B1FF:
:B1FF: /bif/ [Usenet] (alt. `BIFF') /n./ The most famous pseudo, and the prototypical newbie. Articles from B1FF feature all uppercase letters sprinkled liberally with bangs, typos, `cute' misspellings (EVRY BUDY LUVS GOOD OLD BIFF CUZ HE``S A K00L DOOD AN HE RITES REEL AWESUM THINGZ IN CAPITULL LETTRS LIKE THIS!!!), use (and often misuse) of fragments of talk mode abbreviations, a long sig block (sometimes even a doubled sig), and unbounded naivete. B1FF posts articles using his elder brother's VIC-20. B1FF's location is a mystery, as his articles appear to come from a variety of sites. However, BITNET seems to be the most frequent origin. The theory that B1FF is a denizen of BITNET is supported by B1FF's (unfortunately invalid) electronic mail address: B1FF@BIT.NET.
[1993: Now It Can Be Told! My spies inform me that B1FF was originally created by Joe Talmadge <jat@cup.hp.com>, also the author of the infamous and much-plagiarized ``Flamer's Bible''. The BIFF filter he wrote was later passed to Richard Sexton, who posted BIFFisms much more widely. Versions have since been posted for the amusement of the net at large. --ESR]
The version of b1ff that is used in kooltalk is a lex(1)-version. b1ff.l says:
``Created Sat Feb 26 04:02:01 EST 1994 by Dave Baggett <dmb@ai.mit.edu>, who obviously had too much time on his hands. Based on the earlier 'jive' filter of unknown origin.''
Display the copying license. The license is BSD-style and very liberal. Kool program, kool license.
Display a short help screen. This isn't much of a help, though. This man page is n times more useful. But in case you were lame enough to forget the option to toggle light/heavy koolness (it's -l, by the way), this short help could come in quite handy.
Using kooltalk is easy. To view this man page in a completely k00l way, you would say:
man kooltalk | kooltalk | less
However, it might not necessarily get more understandable that way. kooltalk assumes that you always want the maximal amount of koolness in your texts and thus will try to use as many kool alternatives for normal letters as possible. This is the default heavy koolness mode. Texts translated with heavy koolness on will not be easily understandable. This is of course more elite, but not exactly luser-friendly. kooltalk's light koolness mode (set with the -l command line option, remember?) will do less changes to the text, using only very common koolness characters (``ph'' for ``f'', ``1'' for ``i'' etc). kooltalk will also try to make intelligent guesses for these changes, i.e. it will output ``warez'' instead of ``wares'', but will not change ``shut'' to ``zhut''.
Being a filter, kooltalk integrates very well with other UNIX tools, such as vi(1). Try the following in vi's command mode for some elite fun:
:%!kooltalk
This will transform your boring document to a kool phile.
As kooltalk is by definition ``for elite only'', it can be used to protect your secret philes from the prying eyes of lamers. For extra-elite cryptographic security, you would use kooltalk together with a similarly strong encryption software, such as pgp(1). Do it thusly:
kooltalk < sekret_phile | pgp -fc > supa_sekret_phile
Use kooltalk -l for commercial grade and kooltalk for military grade encryption.
The -b option can be used best to make an otherwise incomprehensible documentation clear to a self-described ``k-rad hax0r''. Let's assume that we have the following piece (take from the GNU info documentation ``regex.inf''):
Here we describe how you use the Regex data structures and functions in C programs. Regex has three interfaces: one designed for GNU, one compatible with POSIX and one compatible with Berkeley UNIX.
Wouldn't it be nice and convenient if you could read that nerdy gobbledygook in a language that YOU could understand? Well, with kooltalk you can. Just invoke kooltalk with the -b option:
HURE WE DESKRIB HOW U USE THE REGEX DATA STRUCTUREZ AND FUNCSHUNS IN C WAREZ. REGEX HAZ THREE 1NTURFACES, L1KE: ONE DESIGNED 4 GNU. ONE COMPATIBLE W1TH POSIX + ONE COMPATIBLE W1TH BURKELEY THE MANEFRA1M O/S.
``This program has something for everyone. Some people want to find bugs, so I added some.'' -unknown. This man page is probably better written than the source code.
lex(1), vi(1), pgp(1),
kooltalk(1), recursion(3)
Jens Ohlig <jo@koeln.ccc.de>